Annual Thanksgiving Day Poodleshoot And Barbeque
Thanksgiving is almost upon us and thoughts turn to walking in the crisp, autumn air among the swirling dance of multi-colored leaves, and to delightful images of blowing away bowser with your brand-new laser-guided thirty-ought-six.
The Shoot begins, as usual, at the crack of dawn November 23rd. All contestants are to check in at the Old Same Place in the Brown Shoe Square down by the Ferry Landing on the North End promptly at four a.m. The time period has been extended up to four o'clock in the evening when the bar-b-que should be in full swing to allow for stragglers to bring in their catch from distant parts, but these late comers will be summarily judged as not fit for the Kingdom of Heaven and hence, not eligible for any prizes.
The official beverage remains, of course, Wild Turkey.
The awards will be given at eight, when a slide show and special mention of last years contestants will be made. We expect to be honored this year by several Special Guests, including a delegation from the Glorious Republic of Kazakistan.
OFFICIAL ISLAND RULES
The contest will be held over the weekend during and following Thanksgiving, November 2007. Starting time is 6 AM on Thursday, November 22nd . Ending time for judging is noon on Saturday, November 24th, just before the barbeque.
All kills must be made within the area bounded the confines of the Island, extending out to 300 yards offshore and 100 yards in the Tunnel. No kills allowed past the first draw ratchet on any of the bridges in the interest of public safety.
Roving observers will be placed throughout the area, and will patrol the boundaries.
Any contestant caught smuggling poodles into the area, dead or alive, will be disqualified.
Any projectile weapon is acceptable, however, since scoring is done on the basis of weight as well as nose counting, explosive shells and flame-throwers are contraindicated except as distracters. In the interest of specialty hunters, bladed and club-type weapons will be permitted on a trail basis.
Scoring is done on a point system as follows. The contestant with the greatest number of points at noon Sunday wins. Runner-up prizes will be given as deemed appropriate.
To claim points, the kill must be registered with the official scorekeepers stationed at the beach at the Cove. Meathooks will be available for weekend rental, and kills will be displayed for public appreciation and comment.
Points are given as follows: 10 points per head (or nose if head is missing). 1 point per pound, up to 5 pounds. 5 point bonus if carcass can be used for barbeque. Score is doubled if pedigree can be proven. In view of last year's musical triumph, any kill involving a tuba will be granted 15 bonus points.
A special judge will be in attendance for special cases. He will be the sole arbiter for all rules disputes, such as deciding if a kill is really a poodle. He will also award extra points for audacious or extra skillful kills.
To qualify for these extra points, the kill must be witnessed by a roving monitor, or a fair witness (available for rent), or by the harbor patrol. Since during the last two PS&B they were unable to assist due to over consumption of the Official Beverage, the number of monitors has been doubled.
Extra skill kills can include picking the little buggers off when they are on the tower balconies on Shoreline. Rigging ricochet shots may qualify for both extra points and a lawsuit.
Some of the highlights of past year's PS&B will make clear what is considered worthy of extra points:
HIGHLIGHTS FROM PREVIOUS YEARS
* Jim Katzenjammer scaled City Hall's now defunct bell tower in the first Poodleshoot, and using a mortar, scored twenty kills before he was thrown from the roof of the building by irate boat owners from Park Street. The extra points were awarded posthumously.
* Two years ago Michael Ramsey of St. Charles Street garnered a rare Double Valor Award for bagging a Russian Bluehair with a nice grouping of eight shots from his Custom Service Revolver, which was followed up by his issuing several citations for Transport of Controlled Substances and Jaywalking.
* Tom York of Oaktown got a special mention for his drive-by kill done with a thirty-ought six to a six pounder on a leash. The blast knocked Fifi in a loop, still attached to the leash, in a manner that won praise for style and grace. The Committee gladly paid medical costs to Tom for his resultant handbag injuries.
* Using a military-grade Forest Defoliant Flamethrower during the infamous shoot of '01, Art Javier succeeded in bringing in five kills Ready-to-Eat before his truck exploded down by Otis Drive.
* Honorable Mention went to Palo Alto's visiting Alex Seaver, who effectively employed a razor-studded Telecaster while leaning from a golf-cart driven by his son, Eric who also used spare E-strings to tie 'em up afterwards. Nice little Father-Son team there. Alex uses only Dean Markley strings.
* Visiting archeologist, Laura Croft bagged a brace of very rare Dino-poodles. Everyone complemented the English lassie on what a nice set she had.
* During the infamous "Hapless Shoot" of '05, visitor Dick Cheney failed to bag any poodles according to the rules, but did manage to wound several Conservative Attorneys, and so earned an Honorable Mention, perhaps the first that V.P. Dick "Buckshot" Cheney has ever garnered.
We wish to stress that the sponsors are not responsible in any way for damage or death caused by any participant, and we are not liable in any way for dementia, property loss, teeth and claw marks, or any acts of nature or otherwise. (Waivers to this effect must be filed in order to be an official participant.)
Hints And Tips
Poodles (or puddles or piddles as they are sometimes called) are easy to recognize. They are extremely small, obnoxious dogs with a vicious temper and are extremely nervous. They are often ritually shorn to resemble a pile of dingo balls with cancer.
They are easy to track out of doors by following the trail of urine and feces that they continuously generate. Poodles are also easy to find when hidden on boats, since they are so nervous that if someone farts in a boat three ships away from the beast, he will be answered immediately with an angry yapyapyap which takes longer to subside than the wake of a supertanker in shallow water.
Caution must be exercised when a poodle has been tracked to his lair. These sneaky, treacherous animals distract you with constant yammer when (or even before) you enter their den, and piss all over the floor while doing a wild series of acrobatics, hoping to skip, fall, and be knocked unconscious. This viper of a dog then proceeds to activities too gruesome to mention.
Although not explicit in the rules, persons attempting to defend poodles during the contest are considered fair game.
All kills entered for points become the property of the 5th annual Poodle Shoot and Barbeque committee, and are used to provide the main course for the barbeque (BYOB).
Since there are always more kills than can be used in the BBQ, the remainder will be sold to Chevys restaurants in the bay area, and the proceeds used to defray mortuary and legal expenses incurred during the contest.
The kill most embodying the spirit of the contest (as judged by a select panel of experts) will be bronzed and used as part of the 1st prize trophy. Second prize will be a set of almost new propellers, and third prize will be a year's supply of Chinese fast food.