October 09, 2005


Was down by the Strand the other day and Reverend Rectumrod was up there on his burnished podium made from pieces of a 1956 Caddilac just preaching up a storm all about this Intelligent Design Concept. The Assembly of Bums was gathered about him and there were burning trashcan fires illuminating the holy scene, which made it all quite sanctimonious and quite impressive.

You can just imagine.

Now if you must know this here Intelligent Design Concept says that we live in the Best of All Possible Worlds and everything is light and happy and perfect and every body is just neato and perfect and every animal is all cuddly and perfect, including the California Turkey Buzzard, sort of like a Teletubby Episode, and this proves God not only made the entire world and the universe but that God is a He and He made everything in literally 7 days and not only in 7 days but in 7 days precisely 5,000 years ago -- not any further back please -- and that there was a place called Eden located near what is now modern day Elvira, Illinois.

Now don't go talking to me about "begging the question five times over" for this here is pure science -- according to the likes of Reverend Rectumrod and there are many Important People who agree with him.

Personally, we maintain a respectful skepticism.

In fact, we would like to present the scientific opinion of Bear, who loudly expressed his own theory about the Cosmos before the assembled multitude of the Brown Shoed Square. He maintains that the world is so obviously screwed up with nothing ever going right, from hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, fires, asthma, Ebola virus, the Black Death as well as death in all of its multitudinal forms, flatulent amoebas, the Ford Edsel, Herbert Hoover, John Foster Dulles, the old Shovelhead engine, the organization called FEMA, and human feet that it seems quite clear nobody in their right mind of any cranial capacity could have ever invented this World.

It's too damn f----d up.

Human feet? What on earth?

Human feet! Toes, I mean!, Bear shouted. Just take your shoes off and look at toes; they're ridiculous. You don't' really need them; what are they there for? But just cut one off, and oh ho, see how you feel! They're ugly, butt ugly. Human feet are goddamn ugly and only somebody like Pablo Neruda -- who was a genius -- could ever see anything beautiful in them and he really was being poetically arch at the time. They're ugly as sin. And so is the butt on virtually 90% of the human race and non-human besides. Who could have thought of such a ridiculous appliance? What kind of mind could have invented things like leprosy. How can you explain phenomena like Rick Santorum. Or Pee Wee Herman. Two Pee Wees in a pod, if you ask me. Think of them together! No, this world was not devised by any intelligent mind, maybe by His Marketing Manager or Administrative Assistant during an off day while she was drunk, but intelligent design? I think not. It has to have been devised by Somebody who was really crazy, or very stupid. It's worse than a Rube Goldberg contraption. . . .

Well, there you have the answer to the artificial dichotomy between Creationism and Science. Our thanks to Jim Hightower for this inspiration.

Nope, we never make any of this stuff up ourselves. We are the Media and we have Standards.