WE'RE NOT ARGUING, WE'RE DISCUSSING:
FIRST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DEBATE
October 2004
Meanwhile, Eugene Shrub has been having some significant difficultly balancing his budget while keeping the economy of the bums going and at the same time occupying Newark, California with his increasingly restive troops against an increasingly restive populace. Somewhat to the Shrubb Administration's surprise, the people of Newark objected strenuously to being overrun by an Army of Bums, instead of greeting the invaders with flowers of welcome.
For those of you out of the loop, about a year and a half ago, Eugene Shrubb lead his army of bums to invade Newark to roust out the Weapons of Mass Doo-Doo in the form of nefarious poodles and terrierists. No WMD's have been found in Newark and it does appear that Newark California has never possessed WMD's and never had any plans to obtain any such weapons. Nevertheless, Eugene excuses the death, destruction and despoliation of countless liquor stores as necessary and that the world is better off now because of his action.
Babar has argued that, although the intent was noble, the bums should remove themselves from foreign involvements and should return to a balanced budget while granting generous tax incentives to the rich who may divert some of their investments from foreign interests to more local enterprises. Papoon has stated flatly that such invasions are poo-poo and that the bums are acting like bums and attaching batteries to a guy's genitals is not just against the Geneva Convention, not just illegal as sin, not just bad for publicity, but basically sick as all fuck and we should reject such sick behavior and such people who do such things and put such people in mental hospitals instead of discussing calmly how torture can be of convenient use.
It is of Shrubb's opinion that we should stay the course. For Newark has large liquor reserves and an efficient distribution system. If the bums were to pull out now, the place would dissolve in chaos with roaming of grandmothers armed with frying pans roaming the streets. Eulalia Satyr, leader of the Real Pissed-off Grannies, has stated publicly she and the RPG's would fight to the death.
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Everyone is talking about the recent President of the Bums election debates between Francois Babar, William Papoon, and Eugene Shrubb, incumbent.
Ralph Nichtnutz, of the Miserable Shrew party, was not invited to attend.
The debates were held outside the gym belonging to the Island High School out in the West End and were a spirited contest between passionate individuals who differed as much in character as in politics. The subject of this first of three debates was foreign policy. Babar, the True Conservative from the GOP, held forth on traditional values of holding to a balanced budget and avoidance of foreign adventures. Papoon, the liberal candidate whose slogan for some 30 years at each electoral event has been, "Not Insane!", maintained that the entire situation in Newark has been a disaster and that poodles are to be abjured, rather than killed, everywhere they are.
Eugene Shrubb maintains that the poodle is an evil dog and to be exterminated by any means necessary in a grand crusade and that Newark is a fine and beautiful city with lovely boulevards friendly to panhandlers.
Shortly after the debate, which all of the candidates concluded by congratulating each other and praising one another's wives, the commentators and spin doctors got to work with a veangence by savagely attacking whatever opponent seemed strongest against their own. Sean Hasntany of the Foxy Network declared that Shrubb destroyed his pathetic, windbag, pompous opposition with deft comments and demonstration of firm, obstinate resolve in the face of trivial facts and realities.
Lisa Luvnuts of the Lascivious FOXY Network remarked that she missed the days when Bill Clinton was in the White House, but she sure would like to snuggle with Papoon.
Dan Rathernot, of CBNBABS, stated flatly that his network would no longer report on anything of consequence for fear of being caught out wrong even once by flaming girly-men.
Charles Kuralt, from The Other Side Network, commented that all the newscasters were acting like ninnies and since when did the newscaster upstage the news?
Governator Arnold was heard to remark, "I vould make a better President dan zese Dummkopfen. Change zee Konstitution for me, bitte."
There are many who agree Arnold makes a fine Bum among bums, and would do well to lead them all somewhere.
THE 2ND CANDIDATE DEBATE
October 11, 2004
The 2nd of the three debates took place between Babar, the True Conservative, Papoon, the Liberal, and Eugene Shrubb, Incumbent and Neo-Con this week in Hoophole, Quasistate. The third debate will return to the previous format of staged and pre-read questions in Tempe, AZ in the Succulent Auditorium of Cactus University.
As everyone should know by now, America does not suffer from a 2 party system, but a Four Party System: Conservatives, Liberals, Neo-Cons and Naderites.
This system ensures that no longer will Conservatives battle Liberals unassisted. Now we have Conservatives and Neo-Cons battering Liberals while Naderites stand on the fringe, nervously jumping up and down, demanding better punches from both sides. The moderator, sometimes termed Reason, has stepped aside calling the entire affair an unresolvable mess.
In any case, the actual text of the debate has vanished in smoke as each principal side has sent its forces into battle to provide "spin" on the results -- this means both sides blatantly lie about everything that happened, thoroughly confusing people who actually watched the affair unfold and distressing the people who take polls.
We can tell you what happened, simply enough, for simple is better in this post 9/11 world. Or so it seems to so many.
Shrubb said, "He's inconstant as the Northern Star. I am strong and resolute. Gather around me like wooden dowels that are bound about the handle of an axe. Be firm and stay the course!"
Papoon said, "He's a liar and a thief and he assists thieves. Trust me and I will fix the mess he made. Furthermore, i have this advantage over all the other candidates: I am not insane!"
Babar said: "No more foreign adventures. Balance the budget. Conserve the environment. No one else has done this or promises this. Give to Big Business and Big Business will give to you."
The Nichtnutz party has stated flatly: "Use common sense and stop making decisions based on dreamland ideology." They, however, were not represented at this debate and it appears they will have little influence.
Much discussion was spent on the invasion of Newark, California, which some people at the townhall-style meeting confused with Newark, New Jersey, which is different fron Newark, CA, in that it possesses an airport and is not at present a coastal city, although global warming may change that fact some time in the near future.
A very planted and pointed individual addressed a question to Papoon about abortion. They wanted to be reassured that Papoon, if elected, would implement the entire program of the Vatican IV Congress of Pederasts, but Papoon answered the question capably by stating that as leader of 350 million people, if elected, he could hardly be expected to pursue the extremist and nonsensical program of a narrow sect of religious nutcases, even though he himself stemmed from such a group, given that not all of the 350 million people agreed with such a narrow view of things which was promoting, in its actual execution of policy, needless death and countless unneeded suffering.
A leader is a leader of many people and many ideas and many opinions and the nature of Democracy is that we live and breath by Democracy and nature of that is compromise with people and ideas with whom you have disagreement.
That is just how the system works. Nobody has found anything better and people who move off to found their own private religious enclaves have tended to end very badly.
Kool-Aid anyone?
In any case, to say, "Please restrict the right to choose to all these people.," is to say, "I usurp the role of God in this. I take away the most basic right there is. The right to chose between Good and Evil and I take this on myself." Sounds devilish.
And please remember, the candidate mentioned, there are an awful lot of other issues involved here.
PDF VERSION HERE
