Your New Appliance Device
Congratulations on your purchase of the Pataphysics Appliance. Pataphysics
was founded by Alfred Jarry just before the turn of the century and has
been supplying quality appliances to satisfied customers the world over
for nearly one hundred years. In purchasing your appliance, you have purchased
not only a highly specialized and sophisticated device incorporating the
most up-to-date technology, you have also bought into a world-wide network
of distributors, suppliers and service centers which even now are processing
your credit and bank accounts, as well as retirement funds. Don't worry,
be happy, as Meher Baba, our Founding Executive Vice President used to
say. Our organization is so large, we provide you not only with the means
to live, but also a complete point of view.
We hope that you enjoy your new appliance for years to come and once
again, welcome to Pataphysics.
- Remove tab A from Slot D. Using a safety razor, score the poly-cellophane
adhesive strip. Push flaps Q and X to the side.
- Remove the Appliance from the box, using the accompanying winch and
- Admire the glossy sheen of your new appliance from Pataphysics as
it rests among bits of styrofoam packing, boxes and receipts. Note its
superlative technology. Note also the registration number.
- Open the Dang door and shift the red safety latch to the OFF position.
- Carefully rotate the purple knob to the left until the timing tang
comes into view. This tang should be marked with a serial number ending
in xox. If the serial number does not end in xox, then close the door
and send the reg. card with the appropriate box marked off to the Supply
Site in Paramus New Jersey. Wait three weeks to obtain the plastic antenna
hangar before proceeding further.
- After obtaining the plastic hangar, in the event your number did not
end in xox, attach the hangar upon the vertical antenna.
- Open the overhead hatch after stepping on the squealer attachment.
- Lean over the flailing flange and grasp firmly the handle of the occilator
unit. Lift the unit clear of the wire-mesh and set it upon the firewall
marked "FW". See Fig. 1A.
- Yank on the red pull-knob until it breaks off in your hand.
- The ventilator door should now be visible. Open the ventilator door
and discover an eight ounce white bottle of lye just to the left, secured
by a rubber strap. Free the bottle from its strap, stand quickly and
turning, fire into the eye of the little man peering at you from behind
- The results will be gratifying.
- The remainder of the lye can then be sprayed on the cam chain running
between the tappet cover and the counterweight.
- Bending again over the flailing flange, replace the empty bottle into
its position behind the ventilator door. Shift the Hack panel to the
left prior to energizing your kundilini. Be especially careful of the
muladhara suction-cup device.
- Install LINUX in the lower bobbit-wacker. This requires a fairly comprehensive
knowledge of the C++ programming language. If this knowledge is not
available, go back to school, retake functional calculus, do not pass
GO, do not collect 200 dollars.
- You are now ready to enjoy your new appliance. Find the ON switch.
If the switch is not broken, the 1.5m razor-sharp 440 stainless steel
blades will begin to whirl rapidly immediately in front.
- Step forward.
COPYRIGHT 2002 by
owen Montana. All rights reserved. Conditional permission to
download this material is granted provided this material is printed, copied
and/or stored on electronic media for personal use only. Additional
information can be obtained by contacting the address listed below.
ALAMEDA, CA 94501
ALL CHARACTERS DEPICTED HEREIN ARE
ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLENCE TO ACTUAL PERSONS OR ALIENS,
WHETHER LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.